Dating Rules by Tonja Weimer

You are going to hear about the "rules" of dating from your older siblings, parents, and other relatives, no matter what culture you grow up in.  Some of those rules come from age-old wisdom, but many of them are based in negative belief structures.  If you want dating to be alive in your life, it would be best to forget about the rules that leave you feeling confused, hopeless… and even— dateless.  Here are the ones to toss out:


Only the beautiful people get the ones they want.


It is true that beauty leads to preferential treatment in many situations, but when it comes to dating and finding a lasting relationship, looks just don't matter.  If a guy is dating a "perfect 10", he isn't out with her because of her soul— he is out with her figure and face and the attention she draws… and the strokes to his ego.  And when people stare at her, they don't see who she is, they see what she represents.  Guys who pick women based on their beauty are the guys who are usually looking for the next conquest.


The gorgeous people may initially get who they think they want, but in the long run, do they find the happiness  they want?


I didn't have a happy childhood, or come from a good family, so most people would not want to date me if they knew this.


How you choose to define your past is entirely up to you.  Every family situation presents challenges that you can use for growth.  Whatever burdens of pain, betrayal, abuse, or trauma you carry can ultimately be examined and put aside.  These hurts can be your reasons for why you don't date or find love— or, they can become the motivation behind your triumph.  If and when the subject of family issues arises in conversation, always keep your dignity and a strong boundary.  You don't have to tell people more than they can handle.  We may live in a world of the walking wounded but you can heal your scars rather than focus on them. You don't have to use them as proof of why you can't date.  You get to decide.


Your past gave you lessons and wisdom for the present and future.  Keep the nuggets and leave the rest behind.


If I could just have everything I always wanted, I'd be happy.


The tabloids are filled with famous people who have or had whatever they wanted and they didn't get any happier than anyone else.  In fact, many of them self-destructed.  Psychiatrist's offices and rehab clinics are filled with people who got everything they wanted.  Having anything you want does not equal happiness.  Becoming a person you are proud of, utilizing your purpose that leads you forward, having values that guide your choices, and surrounding yourself with friends who love and support you is what will make you happy.


If you are waiting to start dating because you think you don't have enough things—wait no longer.  Having more things has nothing to do with it.


I can't go out and date because I worry what people will say about me.


Somewhere along the way, you have to let go of what other people think.  Do what is appropriate, beneficial, and important to your overall wellbeing and happiness.  It's hard to take new risks when you are concerned about the audience of friends and family who may be watching you stumble. And since most success is built on failure, you can't turn away from your own path of discovery.  You just hunker down, try again, learn all you can, and forget about the folks with the telescopes that are seeking to report on your every move.  Sooner or later, you WILL succeed and then everyone can get off your case…including you.


There isn't anything undignified about getting out and dating— no matter what your initial outcome will be.  So what if it takes a while to find the one for you?  Shine yourself up and get out there.


All of my losses have made me wary and scared.


Loss is, of course, an awful experience, but it's part of life.  You can't control many of the events that come your way...and will continue to come your way.  But what you can do is mine the experiences for the gifts they gave you.  You are stronger, wiser, broader, and deeper because of each one. Not only will you be able to love again, your love will have the qualities of maturity, forgiveness, courage, and understanding.


You become an interesting, compassionate person to know and love when you have grown from life's losses.


The dating rules to remember are the ones you have discovered for yourself.  If they are based on integrity, honor, courage, authenticity, and kindness, they are the only rules you need to listen to.  This is how you become…a SAVVY dater.

Posted in: Dating